I went to Kinder, LA one day to get a bite to eat and decided to pick up a box of donuts, because dammit I deserved them. Anyway, as I was checking out, I happened to notice the vending machines up front. You know the candy apple red dispensers of cheap toys and cheaper candy. Well, one of the little darlings was pushing "Funky Facial Hair". Yes, for the princely sum of 75 cents, you could possibly receive a)a mustache, b)a beard, or c)two sideburns.
I gambled my three quarters and came up with a beard. I think it's the beard, anyway. Honestly, it looks more like a small rodent. My first instinct would be to trap it if I saw it out of the corner of my eye. As fake facial hair goes, resemblance to small furry creatures can't be a plus.
The machine promised that its product would help you "fool your friends" and "look cool". I am reasonably certain Funky Facial Hair will accomplish neither thing.