EL BEARDO SPEAKS! by EL BEARDO

¡Viva EL BEARDO!

You have heard much about EL BEARDO through OWARI, gentle reader, but EL BEARDO is certain there is one question that is on your mind. Namely, when can you know more about the sex god that is EL BEARDO? That day is today! Though EL BEARDO needs no introduction, you will get one anyway!

EL BEARDO, OWARI's erstwhile mascot and devil-may-care bon vivant, first came into the public eye in 1996. Since then, it has been one big party, much to the chagrin of OWARI's honcho, the evil mastermind some men call Chris Elam. EL BEARDO continually brings all of you the greatest thing you will ever see in your lives. Yes, it is EL BEARDO in the rugged manly flesh. Marvel at the chiseled features and sheer sex appeal that threatens to overwhelm you.

EL BEARDO whiles away the idle hours, of which there are many, cruising the wild streets of Lake Charles, Louisiana in the famous lavender 1973 AMC Gremlin emblazoned with the "I Brake For Monster Booty!" bumper sticker. Tomfoolery is EL BEARDO's stock in trade and it is never in short supply in the LC.

What does EL BEARDO enjoy more than tomfoolery? WENCHES! In fact, if you are of the female persuasion and promise not to be carrying any mace or pepper spray-like products, EL BEARDO would be more than happy to invite you up to see EL BEARDO’s etchings. They are legendary!

EL BEARDO has much enjoyed this “Internet” device, especially when EL BEARDO learned it was not just a net for catching interns. (NOTE : this is a good use for it as well, though) EL BEARDO delights in tormenting assorted, rogues, varlets, and of course the Polyester Pimpernel on those occasions when EL BEARDO is not too drunk to plug in the computer.

EL BEARDO enjoys making havoc in the playgrounds of OWARI’s evil mastermind. Of course, EL BEARDO frequently is foiled in his jests and ends up paying the penalty. But still, as long as there are Doritos and pictures of Naomi Morinaga in the world, EL BEARDO knows that the evil mastermind can be subjected to further punishment.

EL BEARDO is tired now, or perhaps drunk again. FEAR THE BEARD!

Based on the article appearing in OWARI #12 (Oct.-Nov. 2005)