Tuesday, March 17, 2009

You Might Be A Japanese Superhero If...

Based on the article from OWARI #3 (Nov. 1996).

Well, all right! You've got your crash helmet, your colorful jumpsuit, and your contract with a Japanese toy company. On the surface, it appears you have all the ingredients to be a successful Japanese superhero. But, are you sure? Below is a checklist to determine if you have all the necessary traits. If you meet all of these qualifications, or even some of them, then you too might be a highly merchandisable character from the Land of the Rising Sun. So, without further ado (and with all apologies to Jeff Foxworthy for ripping off his schtick), OWARI proudly presents this valuable public service to all would-be defenders of truth, justice, and the Japanese way.

You might be a Japanese superhero if...

  • you feel a strong desire to pose and shout your name in battle.
  • your enemies stand around like a bunch of dopes when you pose and shout your name in battle, rather than doing the sensible thing and killing you.
  • little children with high-pitched voices and bad outfits are constantly running to you for help.
  • you don't bleed when slashed by a sword - sparks fly from your body instead.
  • your adversaries all have impossibly long names like "Violent Evil Alien Ninja Jack Satan" or "Subterranean Fluorescent Kaiju King Kamasutrasaurus".
  • your presence leads indirectly to the death of every kindly old scientist within a 500 mile radius.
  • you announce the name of every power or weapon you use (e.g., "Zowieman Spinning Super Strato Kick!").
  • you discover the love of your life is (a) a servant of evil (b) a secret agent (c) an alien visitor (d) dead.
  • you belong to an elite agency dedicated to battling weird menaces which is staffed by only six people (huh?).
  • you know more than one person whose name includes the word "guy".
  • (males only) you accessorize with a scarf, and no one questions your masculinity.
  • (females only) your costume comes equipped with superfluous earrings attached to the helmet and/or a skirt to go with your spandex.
  • you constantly feel the need to "power up" your arsenal (e.g., your "beam blaster" gets upgraded to "Ultimate Beam Bazooka").
  • you frequently talk to disembodied voices and no one questions your sanity (to your face).
  • you will use any word or phrase, no matter how ridiculous, as long as it is in English (e.g., "Nifty Buster Robo - Go!").
  • you wear a blinking light on your chest and it is not because you are a moronic football fan trying to get on TV.
  • that mysterious cool character who keeps popping up turns out to be your long-lost _______________ (insert relative of choice).
  • you suspiciously eye any strangers you meet, figuring they're really monsters in disguise (and you're usually right).
  • you reason that any problems you have in your life are due to the diabolical machinations of your foes (and you're usually right).
  • your name is "Hayata".
  • having your own line of sausages sounds like a pretty neat idea.

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