Monday, June 6, 2011

Late Night Thoughts

This isn't a terribly interesting entry, so you are more than welcome to skip it. If anything, it recalls the sort of posts that frequently populated my now-inactive Livejournal account. I think I write these sort of things more for myself than anything else.

I have a problem, but I don't think it is the one that everyone believes. I am still dealing with a perhaps irrational fear that is 15 years old. There are a number of other factors that affect my life options, but getting over the fear is the biggest in my mind. It also doesn't help that my fear has been essentially reinforced several times since it developed. Well, that's no damn good.

I'm in a good place at the moment to put this fear to bed for good. The question is, will I? I'm happy with who I am, but I really feel like I get little respect for that. And I suppose I can understand. Try as I might, I don't come across as someone who's particularly...earned that, maybe? Long story.

Thing is, at some point, my life must change. Will I control that change, or will I just be swept away by it (again)? I thought I had found an answer a few times, but I need to make my own. And maybe, just maybe, the opportunity to start that has been presented to me.

There is a certain freedom afforded when you stop caring about something, and Sunday at least, I reached that point about what I was doing. That doesn't mean I have to change overnight, but it does give me added motivation. Because I want to care about what I'm doing.

This is, obviously, a boring and somewhat vague entry. My apologies. I don't know if it's going to lead anywhere short-term...or even long-term. But I am tired - so, so tired. Maybe it will take a kick in the ass to get me started as far as where I need to go.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want to make the best of what my life has to offer. And too often, I don't think I have.

Good night. I'll try to return next time with something people might eventually want to read.

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